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Oil Change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Cool Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
1Cool Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
2Cool Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3Cool Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
4Cool Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!
 

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Innes is da Man!
Joined
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5,907 Posts
Oil Change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Cool Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
1Cool Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
2Cool Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3Cool Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
4Cool Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!
true story i assume?
 

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my sister is #1 best prostitute
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10,514 Posts
or you could just not be a ******* to begin with which is priceless
 

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Allergic to stupid sh*t!!!
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4,364 Posts
What doeschanging your own oil have to do with being a *******? I call it being a man, and doing what you are supposed to do. If you don't know how to change your own oil, you might as well have a vagina!!!

Good story!!!
 

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my sister is #1 best prostitute
Joined
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10,514 Posts
What doeschanging your own oil have to do with being a *******? I call it being a man, and doing what you are supposed to do. If you don't know how to change your own oil, you might as well have a vagina!!!

Good story!!!
changing yuor own oil its self isnt ******* but needing a case of beer to do it and being a stupid scum bag and dumping the oil in your yard is *******.

for the record oil changes are for rookies you want to be a real man change your shocks, clutch, head gasket, belts, starter, alternator, cv joint, water pump ect..

besides its cheaper easier and more civilized to just get a $20 quick lube change and not have to deal with used oil and filters
 

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my sister is #1 best prostitute
Joined
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10,514 Posts
besides its cheaper easier and more civilized to just get a $20 quick lube change and not have to deal with used oil and filters
That just earned you the metrosexual comment of the day award.

[/quote]

well mister i live in the sticks, i dont have a driveway and im not going to lay in the road and change my oil if i can have someone else do it whilst i enjoy not busting my knuckles removing the oil filter. all other work i do my self at my parent house where i have all my tools..
 

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hahahahahaha hilarious!
 

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Registered
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3,074 Posts
besides its cheaper easier and more civilized to just get a $20 quick lube change and not have to deal with used oil and filters
That just earned you the metrosexual comment of the day award.

[/quote]

well mister i live in the sticks, i dont have a driveway and im not going to lay in the road and change my oil if i can have someone else do it whilst i enjoy not busting my knuckles removing the oil filter. all other work i do my self at my parent house where i have all my tools..
[/quote]

I guess it's acceptable if you don't have a garage or easy access to one. I'll admit that when I used to live in an apartment I resorted to paying for an oil change a few times during the winter.

By the way, living in the sticks is great.
I can step out my front door and take a piss and nobody cares except for the occasional deer.
 

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my sister is #1 best prostitute
Joined
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10,514 Posts
besides its cheaper easier and more civilized to just get a $20 quick lube change and not have to deal with used oil and filters
That just earned you the metrosexual comment of the day award.

[/quote]

well mister i live in the sticks, i dont have a driveway and im not going to lay in the road and change my oil if i can have someone else do it whilst i enjoy not busting my knuckles removing the oil filter. all other work i do my self at my parent house where i have all my tools..
[/quote]

I guess it's acceptable if you don't have a garage or easy access to one. I'll admit that when I used to live in an apartment I resorted to paying for an oil change a few times during the winter.

By the way, living in the sticks is great.
I can step out my front door and take a piss and nobody cares except for the occasional deer.

[/quote]

yeah my parents live in the sticks, its nice..

there building a school accross the street from my building so they have the street ripped up to connect pipes, they put a huge steel plate over the hole at night but the street isnt level so every time someone drives over it makes a loud noise, i have to keep the windows open slightly because the building controlls the heat and its usually too hot in my apt so i have to have the window opena nd hear the damn steel plate evertime someone drives by..

sorry rant about city life over..
 

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my sister is #1 best prostitute
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Wife calls you in to have Dinner? Your child desides he wants to fix his bike with your tools.
why wasnt your child having dinner with you and your wife and supervised?
 

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Wife calls you in to have Dinner? Your child desides he wants to fix his bike with your tools.
why wasnt your child having dinner with you and your wife and supervised?
[/quote]
He does have dinner with us. And not supervised cause I'm under the car and it's his best chance to get my tools and my WD40 to spray on his bike chain cause he wants it to go faster.
 

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Fire in your new shoes!!!!
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..Gotta admit that yes I would rather pay than do it myself...
 

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10001110101
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You have to change oil???
 
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